if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
