Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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