Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
