I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
