I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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