everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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