u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
