Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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