Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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