shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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