hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
