two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
