I think I won the penis lottery.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
