Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
