Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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