I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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