Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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