I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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