Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
