I can text with my tongue
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
