keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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