Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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