I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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