Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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