Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
