He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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