Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
