I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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