i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Well I just put wine in my tea
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
