So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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