Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
