Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
