i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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