I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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