Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
