please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the liver wants what the liver wants
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
