dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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