he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
