I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
