last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
