Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
