All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
