why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
