I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
