i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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