dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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