Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
