My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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