guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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