Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
