I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Where are you guys?
Drunk
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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