before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
