gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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